Why I’m starting over (without actually starting over)

I’ve started and stopped this sentence, this paragraph, this blog, this journey a thousand times over, and each time, the “backspace” button has become far too convenient. Each version that I have written was more of a quest of “what sounds good.” There is a bit of a perfectionist in me that needs to do things the right way so I always recount if I sound polished enough or if I sound like I have it together.

My pause often came from needing to be the woman who had it all figured out even if I didn’t. I would also say that there was a hesitation that stems from wanting to be “seen” but not too “seen.” But really, there has been no version that has fully represented me and I would end up letting my words collect dust. What’s been so challenging for me has been listening to what I want and need even if there is no playbook. And while that’s terrifying and not how I normally operate, it’s become what I love most about stepping outside of this bubble that I’ve created. There are no rules, no expectations, no judgement. It’s just me and my pencil and pad. And I can only share my truth, while hopefully inspiring someone to do the same for themselves someday.

I’m 42. I have been married for almost two decades. We have four incredible kids and a pup named Archie. I’ve built a career that I genuinely love. And together, we’ve built a life we’re so proud of and grateful for. Yet somewhere along the way, I noticed I didn’t feel like a complete person. I was more of a supporting character in a life that I helped build.

So do I mean starting from zero on all of the things I just shared with you? No, not exactly. My story isn’t unique in that I have spent my life of service to everyone else. Being the manager of schedules, the emotional anchor, the trusted advisor (at home and at work), among so many other things, it has become a bit of a bad habit to consider myself last, if at all. As I have entered this phase of life, I have been reminded in so many ways that this life is so short and so precious and it is OK to want something and go after it. It doesn’t take away from everyone else to include myself in my actual story.

If I am being honest, I didn’t come to this conclusion easily. I was almost forced to this conclusion by a series of unfortunate events. A few years ago, my estranged father passed away unexpectedly. That moment was the start of facing a reality that forced me to take care of my needs. Through therapy (and a few tattoos) I learned so much about myself that I honestly knew but didn’t fully want to come to terms with.

That was a tough year but 2024 is when I got knocked completely on my behind! That year, I was faced with health issues that I seemingly ignored and could no longer. I was doing what I could but I wasn’t advocating for myself in a way that someone who truly wanted to be better would. I spoke to a good friend of mine and she told me about taking a chance on a clinic out of state to get a second opinion. She wasn’t just sharing her experience but she kept saying “Tori, you deserve to feel better.” What a gentle way to tell someone they need help. She wasn’t just saying “get better.” She was reminding me that I was so used to taking care of others that I needed to remember what I deserved too. And that was to simply exist free of pain.

I stewed on that conversation for a while and acknowledged that I was miserable and nothing I was doing now was working so I took a leap and called the very next week to schedule the first available appointment. The goal was to stay for a day, take some tests, get a recommendation, and fly back. Well, it turned out that I was much sicker than I thought and that day turned into a week at the hospital. During that time, I spent a lot of time reflecting and I acknowledged not only how much I was suffering but those gentle words from my sweet friend kept whispering in my ear during those lonely hospital nights. I did deserve so much better. I deserved to prioritize myself in all areas of my life. I deserved to function without pain. I deserved rest. That week in the hospital turned into a leave of absence from work and it was the most meaningful recovery I have had. I have had 4 babies so I have had time off before but this time, I was taking care of myself. It was one of the worst years of my life but it ended up saving my life.

Fast forward to now! What does this have to do with starting over? Well, in that year, I decided that my word for my life would be “Intentional.” Making the choice to get on that plane and spend a week in a completely different state to get answers on my healthy by myself was my very first intentional action and it truly changed me. I vowed to myself to be more deliberate and do something every year that scared me, even if I failed. I decided to take a look at relationships and let go of what didn’t serve me any longer. I decided to take a chance on some of those dreams and goals that were always tucked away and go for it.

Since then, I’ve made a LOT of mistakes. I have gone about things the wrong way. I have taken leaps of faith and failed. I have also gained so much in the process and it’s lead me to this moment of sharing my life with you! There is so much beauty and good in the messiness of life and I can’t wait to bring you along on my journey. I believe we are all fearfully and wonderfully made and I can honestly say I believe that for myself, too!

So, in this starting over, I really mean approaching life differently than before. It can no longer wait for it to be “my turn” because there will always be something that says I shouldn’t be doing it. The kids will always have something going on. There will always be bills. My husband’s job will always be making somewhat of a splash. I will always be bogged down at work. There will always be a trip to plan and event to attend. And I will always have moments of being overwhelmed and overstimulated to a point I will need to reset reality. Because life will happen regardless of what’s going on, so it’s a matter of how I choose to spend my time here.

What do you want to be more intentional about?